My husband and I are not those obnoxious twice-a-day sex married couples. Frankly we have busy lives and some nights I'd rather pass out than have sex with anyone, including my husband or a hypothetical Nathan Fillion / Adam Levine combination man that would truly be God's gift to this woman.
But if a week goes by with no sex, I start to get antsy and annoyed. So we had to work out the post baby loving pretty darn quickly.
According to an instant mommy poll at a recent Starbucks stroller summit, there are three options for sex post-baby:
Option 1: Sex while baby is sleeping
While your baby is sleeping or otherwise busy, you get it on a few feet away while hoping that your baby will not be telling this story to their therapist one day. This option is easy, and it's the one we opted for. Our baby crib has solid panels so she can't see us, and in the middle of the night we can both get it on AND cuddle afterwards - winning combination.
Some parents may worry that this will warp their baby, but frankly at that point you might as well worry that they will remember coming out of your vagina. It's silly.
Option 2: Babysitting
In this option, you get a babysitter and have sex in a hotel room, the back seat of your car, or upstairs in your bedroom. While this is a lovely option for a special occasion (e.g an anniversary) and I fully plan to leverage it more frequently when the baby is older and we can leave her overnight with her grandparents, for now it's too much of a bother.
For starters, when I have help I use the time to run errands and see doctors, etc. I'm also too old to have sex in the back of my Honda. And while we have had sex while one of our parents watched the baby downstairs, it was rather hurried and not really a long-term option.
Option 3: Wait til later
This option usually results in divorce, or in Option 4: Banging the secretary and/or electrician
I'm sure there are other ways parents have found (please share), but the important thing is to find ways to be intimate. I think the reason that so many divorces happen after the kids come is because parents forget to prioritize their partners. Soon you are just a parent, and no longer a spouse, and that's not viable long-term.
One more note. In order to facilitate the aforementioned intimacy, you have to make an effort to be sexy. Wear sexy underwear, wax your legs, put on a nice skirt. Shave your beard, put on nice boxers, dab on some cologne. It's hard when you are sleep-deprived and cranky, but your relationship is worth it.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Having a baby is not a free pass to be an ass!
Since I had my daughter, people are noticeably more lenient. They open doors for me more, o get the special parking spot at the mall, restaurant service is faster and nicer. I have a ready excuse for being late or for refusing invitations. People expect me to be tired and cranky, and they are ok with my messy house.
I also expect leeway from strangers. If one of us has to step off the sidewalk, it will be you, not my stroller. If my baby is crying, I will still pay for my groceries while she disturbs your peace. Sorry.
And I get the occasional perk which, while not expected, is certainly appreciated. A lovely tattooed biker let me get in front of him in line at the passport office. A sweet teenage girl actually threw away a dirty diaper for me as I was juggling my baby and the diaper bag in the ladies room.
These things I'm sure are because of the cuteness of my daughter, and because our society, rightfully, protects yung babies and their mothers.
But if you take advantage of that, it makes you a colossal b*tch. It really does.
If your baby is crying in a restaurant and you do nothing to soothe them...
If you cut in line in front of others as if it is your God-given right...
If you leave your child's dirty diapers around, or, like that real cow in Vancouver, let them pee on public property...
If you use your stroller as a bulldozer in crowds areas...
If you leverage your baby to an unfair advantage, such as getting a reserved table at a restaurant, or the seat n a plane someone paid for...
If you expect others to cater to your evy whim...
... and pay your way...
Then you are in violation of the social contract, ruining it for other mothers, and we all hate you.
If you have been blessed with a child, then treat that blessing with respect. Otherwise it will bite you in the butt eventually. Or at least I hope it will.
I also expect leeway from strangers. If one of us has to step off the sidewalk, it will be you, not my stroller. If my baby is crying, I will still pay for my groceries while she disturbs your peace. Sorry.
And I get the occasional perk which, while not expected, is certainly appreciated. A lovely tattooed biker let me get in front of him in line at the passport office. A sweet teenage girl actually threw away a dirty diaper for me as I was juggling my baby and the diaper bag in the ladies room.
These things I'm sure are because of the cuteness of my daughter, and because our society, rightfully, protects yung babies and their mothers.
But if you take advantage of that, it makes you a colossal b*tch. It really does.
If your baby is crying in a restaurant and you do nothing to soothe them...
If you cut in line in front of others as if it is your God-given right...
If you leave your child's dirty diapers around, or, like that real cow in Vancouver, let them pee on public property...
If you use your stroller as a bulldozer in crowds areas...
If you leverage your baby to an unfair advantage, such as getting a reserved table at a restaurant, or the seat n a plane someone paid for...
If you expect others to cater to your evy whim...
... and pay your way...
Then you are in violation of the social contract, ruining it for other mothers, and we all hate you.
If you have been blessed with a child, then treat that blessing with respect. Otherwise it will bite you in the butt eventually. Or at least I hope it will.
Monday, September 23, 2013
How to raise a child on less than $1000 per year
When the Fraser Institute report on the cost of raising a child came out proclaiming you can raise a child on $4000 a year, the proverbial shit hit the fan. How can you raise a child on 4k a year when the cost of daycare alone is upwards of 8k, and that's if you are lucky. Many parents pay 2 to 3 times that much.
The reality is, the Fraser Institute has no interest in analyzing the cost to raise a child. They just want to push their conservative agenda, and it's astonishingly easy to doctor the numbers. To prove it, I decided to show you can raise a child on less than one thousand. Here is how:
Food: live in the country and grow most of your own food. Junior better not have any diary restrictions,
Diapers: you will be using cloth diapers, and washing them by hand since you can't afford a washing machine. The cloth diapers will be made of your old t-shirts.
Clothing: you see those curtains above your kitchen sink? You don't need them since you live in the middle of nowhere. Cut and sew.
Furniture: the LCBO gives away free cardboard boxes
Daycare: that will be performed by your mother and mother-in-law, who live with you
Healthcare: you only need the bare minimum, so your child will not have what you can suckle from the government
Alcohol: you will be drinking heavily, so half of the $1000 goes here. See Daycare as to why you will need so much booze
After-School enrichment: none - your child don't need no school to work at a minimum wage job
Vacations: the child will be working for his or her keep so, yeah, no vacations
After school programs : see vacations
Books and school supplies: this is where he other $500 will go, since you can't really get away from it
Toys, gifts, miscellaneous : hand crafted by grandpa from the finest driftwood
Now, throw in another $3000 and you can actually feed your child. Progress!
The question is not whether you can raise your child on $4000 a year. You can do a lot of things if you are hard pressed to do so.
The question is, do you want to raise your child that way? And do we want to build a society that presupposes hat this kind of childhood is a perfectly acceptable norm?
I for one would like to see every member of the Fraser Institute put their money where their mouth is and have their children live on $4000 a year. I'd bet that amount wouldn't even cover their shoe allowance.
If you can show me how to raise an average Canadian child on $4000 a year, AND you'd be willing to raise yor own child that way, please drop me a line - I would love to hear all about it.
The reality is, the Fraser Institute has no interest in analyzing the cost to raise a child. They just want to push their conservative agenda, and it's astonishingly easy to doctor the numbers. To prove it, I decided to show you can raise a child on less than one thousand. Here is how:
Food: live in the country and grow most of your own food. Junior better not have any diary restrictions,
Diapers: you will be using cloth diapers, and washing them by hand since you can't afford a washing machine. The cloth diapers will be made of your old t-shirts.
Clothing: you see those curtains above your kitchen sink? You don't need them since you live in the middle of nowhere. Cut and sew.
Furniture: the LCBO gives away free cardboard boxes
Daycare: that will be performed by your mother and mother-in-law, who live with you
Healthcare: you only need the bare minimum, so your child will not have what you can suckle from the government
Alcohol: you will be drinking heavily, so half of the $1000 goes here. See Daycare as to why you will need so much booze
After-School enrichment: none - your child don't need no school to work at a minimum wage job
Vacations: the child will be working for his or her keep so, yeah, no vacations
After school programs : see vacations
Books and school supplies: this is where he other $500 will go, since you can't really get away from it
Toys, gifts, miscellaneous : hand crafted by grandpa from the finest driftwood
Now, throw in another $3000 and you can actually feed your child. Progress!
The question is not whether you can raise your child on $4000 a year. You can do a lot of things if you are hard pressed to do so.
The question is, do you want to raise your child that way? And do we want to build a society that presupposes hat this kind of childhood is a perfectly acceptable norm?
I for one would like to see every member of the Fraser Institute put their money where their mouth is and have their children live on $4000 a year. I'd bet that amount wouldn't even cover their shoe allowance.
If you can show me how to raise an average Canadian child on $4000 a year, AND you'd be willing to raise yor own child that way, please drop me a line - I would love to hear all about it.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
To the Facebook mom lifting weights - Screw public opinion!
When Ms. Ellison posted a photo of herself, wildly pregnant and living weights, she was lambasted left and right as horribly irresponsible, stupid, and downright evil. For exercising while pregnant.
What is people's problem with this? This mom has been doing this type of exercise for years. It's not like she decided to take it up when the pregnancy test came back positive.
During pregnancy is not the right time to start a new exercise regimen, but to continue your old one is perfectly healthy. Should runners stop running? Should yogis stop yoga? Ms Ellison happens to be more hard core in her fitness endeavors and good for her! I'm sure she will have an easier labour and easier recovery for it.
When I was pregnant, perfect strangers saw fit to comment on my coffee drinking. When I pointed out that they were morons, and also it was tea, they felt it their duty to warn me that some teas cause premature labour. And birth defects. And probably hunger and disease.
My best friend got a lecture for wearing high heel shoes at 7 mints pregnant. They were 2 inch stacked heels - the horror!
A coworker had a sip of champagne at a wedding at 8 months. From the uproar you'd think she was main lining crack while kicking puppies.
At the grocery store I saw some total bitch touch a pregnant lady's belly without permission while exclaiming how she really shouldn't be out during flu season. I wanted to smack her, but you can't beat that level of stupid out of people.
Honestly, we get bombarded with information when we are pregnant. Believe me, you are not telling us anything we haven't heard already. So keep your nosy, self-righteous opinions to yourself.
To the mom lifting weights, and the mom taking a sip of alcohol, or eating a deli sandwich, or wearing heels - do what you feel is right to keep yourself and your baby healthy and sane. And to hell with everyone else!
What is people's problem with this? This mom has been doing this type of exercise for years. It's not like she decided to take it up when the pregnancy test came back positive.
During pregnancy is not the right time to start a new exercise regimen, but to continue your old one is perfectly healthy. Should runners stop running? Should yogis stop yoga? Ms Ellison happens to be more hard core in her fitness endeavors and good for her! I'm sure she will have an easier labour and easier recovery for it.
When I was pregnant, perfect strangers saw fit to comment on my coffee drinking. When I pointed out that they were morons, and also it was tea, they felt it their duty to warn me that some teas cause premature labour. And birth defects. And probably hunger and disease.
My best friend got a lecture for wearing high heel shoes at 7 mints pregnant. They were 2 inch stacked heels - the horror!
A coworker had a sip of champagne at a wedding at 8 months. From the uproar you'd think she was main lining crack while kicking puppies.
At the grocery store I saw some total bitch touch a pregnant lady's belly without permission while exclaiming how she really shouldn't be out during flu season. I wanted to smack her, but you can't beat that level of stupid out of people.
Honestly, we get bombarded with information when we are pregnant. Believe me, you are not telling us anything we haven't heard already. So keep your nosy, self-righteous opinions to yourself.
To the mom lifting weights, and the mom taking a sip of alcohol, or eating a deli sandwich, or wearing heels - do what you feel is right to keep yourself and your baby healthy and sane. And to hell with everyone else!
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Are we over-medicating our children? Stop the insanity!
My daughter had reflux as a newborn. She spat up like the exorcist 10 to 20 times a day, then cried and arched her back. A couple of times this happened at night, and I was terrified that she would choke herself.
At her 1-month appointment, the paediatrician prescribed Zantac (or Rinitidine, which is the generic baby version). We started her on it right away, and it seemed to help.
At the same time, I was worried about giving medication on an ongoing basis to such a young baby. I was reassured that Zantac is fairly harmless, but still. Over the next 2 weeks, I noticed that her digestion seemed much slower. She was only filling her diaper at times furthest away from the last dose of Zantac.
Now, there is considerable online debate by desperate parents on whether medication is a good idea. Generally, there are two schools of thought.
Medicate Your Way to Relief
Zantac has helped a lot of children control their reflux. The stronger alternative, Prevacid, has also been a godsend for many parents.
Yes, they have side-effects, but when your three month old baby is screaming hysterically for hours, it seems like a good trade-off.
This is even more apparent when it comes to more severe conditions, and the stronger medicines that accompany them. Should you give your child cold medication? Ritalin? Antibiotics? In many cases, depriving your baby of medicine could risk their life.
However, where do we draw the line?
Alternative Methods
Many conditions can be managed without pharmaceutical intervention.
I did some research which mentioned that keeping my baby upright after feeding, and eliminating dairy could help. We followed those suggestions, took her off the Zantac, and followed her very closely to see the effects. She did just fine without the meds, and her paediatrician was happy with her at the last appointment.
Other moms have found relief through homeopathy, herbal medicine and acupuncture.
Whether this is the right choice for your baby is up to you to decide, but I think we have gotten way to trigger happy with pharmaceuticals.
Doctors don't always follow the latest research
Before my daughter's vaccinations, several people, including our doctor, suggested I give her Tylenol before the shot just in case. But this can actually interfere with the effectiveness of the shot. As a parent, it is my responsibility to do my own research, but it's disturbing how pervasive our reliance on drugs really is.
And these are fairly harmless drugs. What happens when they are powerful, like Ritalin or Prozac? How likely are we to jump at any convenient diagnosis just because our kid is a little more temperamental and we don't want to spend the time to deal with it? And how much do we really know about the side-effects.
Don't be stupid about vaccines
All of this is not meant to be some push towards refusing needed medications. I'm not a Luddite, nor would I encourage anyone to be. I'm just encouraging some caution and self-directed research.
However, one shot I would actively encourage everyone to get for their babies is the standard vaccination protocol for babies. Every theory on vaccines being bad for babies has been scientifically debunked. They are safe and they save lives.
I'll be a lot more careful in the future about medicating my baby, that's for sure. But I will also make sure that she does get any medical intervention that has shown to improve her chances for a long and happy life.
At her 1-month appointment, the paediatrician prescribed Zantac (or Rinitidine, which is the generic baby version). We started her on it right away, and it seemed to help.
At the same time, I was worried about giving medication on an ongoing basis to such a young baby. I was reassured that Zantac is fairly harmless, but still. Over the next 2 weeks, I noticed that her digestion seemed much slower. She was only filling her diaper at times furthest away from the last dose of Zantac.
Now, there is considerable online debate by desperate parents on whether medication is a good idea. Generally, there are two schools of thought.
Medicate Your Way to Relief
Zantac has helped a lot of children control their reflux. The stronger alternative, Prevacid, has also been a godsend for many parents.
Yes, they have side-effects, but when your three month old baby is screaming hysterically for hours, it seems like a good trade-off.
This is even more apparent when it comes to more severe conditions, and the stronger medicines that accompany them. Should you give your child cold medication? Ritalin? Antibiotics? In many cases, depriving your baby of medicine could risk their life.
However, where do we draw the line?
Alternative Methods
Many conditions can be managed without pharmaceutical intervention.
I did some research which mentioned that keeping my baby upright after feeding, and eliminating dairy could help. We followed those suggestions, took her off the Zantac, and followed her very closely to see the effects. She did just fine without the meds, and her paediatrician was happy with her at the last appointment.
Other moms have found relief through homeopathy, herbal medicine and acupuncture.
Whether this is the right choice for your baby is up to you to decide, but I think we have gotten way to trigger happy with pharmaceuticals.
Doctors don't always follow the latest research
Before my daughter's vaccinations, several people, including our doctor, suggested I give her Tylenol before the shot just in case. But this can actually interfere with the effectiveness of the shot. As a parent, it is my responsibility to do my own research, but it's disturbing how pervasive our reliance on drugs really is.
And these are fairly harmless drugs. What happens when they are powerful, like Ritalin or Prozac? How likely are we to jump at any convenient diagnosis just because our kid is a little more temperamental and we don't want to spend the time to deal with it? And how much do we really know about the side-effects.
Don't be stupid about vaccines
All of this is not meant to be some push towards refusing needed medications. I'm not a Luddite, nor would I encourage anyone to be. I'm just encouraging some caution and self-directed research.
However, one shot I would actively encourage everyone to get for their babies is the standard vaccination protocol for babies. Every theory on vaccines being bad for babies has been scientifically debunked. They are safe and they save lives.
I'll be a lot more careful in the future about medicating my baby, that's for sure. But I will also make sure that she does get any medical intervention that has shown to improve her chances for a long and happy life.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
It's not your business whether I breast feed my baby!
Since I had my daughter, I've been asked all manner of invasive questions. Does she cry a lot? Normal amounts. Will you vaccinate? Yes, I'm not an idiot. Did you sign up for daycare? Yes. Do you breast feed? I plead the Fifth.
This last question is the most divisive. If I refuse to answer, I get a lecture on the benefits. If I say yes, then I get lectured on how long I should do it for. If I say no, then I get lectured on how I'm the worst mother ever and should be summarily shot.
Let's get some facts straight first. Yes, breast feeding is best. The milk provides antibodies that the baby can't make yet, it is nutritionally optimal, and it further bonds the mother and child, among other benefits. However, formula has advanced tremendously and will meet your baby's nutritional needs without problems. Formula provides the added benefit that anyone can feed the baby, making it easier for Dad and other family members to bond with the baby. Also makes it easier for Mom to leave the baby and get some sanity time. This is not trivial and can improve overall family life, which is also beneficial for the baby.
But lets say that you believe breastfeeding is the clear best option. The reality is, breast feeding is not easy. Among my friends, I have seen all sorts of cases where the answer is not nearly as cut and dry as yes or no. One friend never had milk come in. Another tried breast feeding but the baby never took to it, even with the help of a consultant. She pumped as much as she could and supplements with formula. Yet another had her milk stop when she returned to work after three months. Another had a big baby who needed extra food. They ended up supplementing too.
Let's get some facts straight first. Yes, breast feeding is best. The milk provides antibodies that the baby can't make yet, it is nutritionally optimal, and it further bonds the mother and child, among other benefits. However, formula has advanced tremendously and will meet your baby's nutritional needs without problems. Formula provides the added benefit that anyone can feed the baby, making it easier for Dad and other family members to bond with the baby. Also makes it easier for Mom to leave the baby and get some sanity time. This is not trivial and can improve overall family life, which is also beneficial for the baby.
But lets say that you believe breastfeeding is the clear best option. The reality is, breast feeding is not easy. Among my friends, I have seen all sorts of cases where the answer is not nearly as cut and dry as yes or no. One friend never had milk come in. Another tried breast feeding but the baby never took to it, even with the help of a consultant. She pumped as much as she could and supplements with formula. Yet another had her milk stop when she returned to work after three months. Another had a big baby who needed extra food. They ended up supplementing too.
But in any event, it is nobody's business but the parents and doctor involved. How can you form an opinion about someone's fitness as a parent from this one factor?
And yet almost everyone has an opinion, and is almost militantly vocal about it. Especially the pro lactation police.
My question is, why the obsession? Why is it such a big deal? We make decisions about our babies all the time - which products to use, who takes care of them, where they go to daycare and school. We do things that have much more impact on their lives - discipline them, read to them, integrate them into society. So why is what we feed them under such scrutiny?
My question is, why the obsession? Why is it such a big deal? We make decisions about our babies all the time - which products to use, who takes care of them, where they go to daycare and school. We do things that have much more impact on their lives - discipline them, read to them, integrate them into society. So why is what we feed them under such scrutiny?
So I will ask here once. Please stay out of my bra. What I do with my breasts is my business. My baby is healthy and happy, and that's all you need to know.
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